Before You Go
by gDeIpVhIrNoEtt
Summary: Betrayal can be forgiven and forgotten in favor of much more pleasant things, but guilt isn't as easy to burn out as one might think.


Cassies out there, yes, the title is also a DB5K song, (AKTF!) as with many of my other FFIV fics.

**Summary: **The Lunar Whale lands on Mysidia after Zeromus' defeat. The party rests for the night, but Cecil has known Kain for far too long to be left clueless about his best friend's intentions. Takes place before Kain sets out for Mt. Ordeals.

Rated M for angst, yaoi, mentions of mind control, mush, drama, bedscenes. I'm also here to warn you that since I am gDeIpVhIrNoEtt, the voice is going to be very unstable and moody.

Gah, this is the first _serious _yaoi fic I've written that actually has _yaoi _in it...it's hell! Writing this was a hundred times harder than I thought it would be ^T_T especially the transition from normal scenes to the making out stuff, it took a lot of concentration, and fighting back.

All right, let's get this over with.

General writing warnings: Slow plot, slow progress. I wasn't really blessed with a talent for plot and ideas. Not my fault~ Aaaaand...I think Kain and Cecil are a bit OOC...in fact, VERY OOC...

About Kain's eye color, I just took a guess. I am aware of the fact that Cecil's eyes in the DS remake are blue, and gray in the DS render. I wanted them to be gray here, but I guess I started with blue, so I had no choice but to just continue.

* * *

_Before You Go_

* * *

The catastrophe has ended.

The darkness has vanished.

The dreadful curtain of bloodshed has finally fallen.

Swords and shields can be put down, many a restless soul put to a well-deserved repose.

Hatred defeated, bowing to the warm presence of love, friendship, and righteousness, has stopped plaguing the world...for now.

Betrayal can be forgiven and forgotten in favor of much more pleasant things,

...but guilt isn't as easy to burn out as one might think.

At least not for a certain blonde dragoon. The glorious taste of victory, he had savored with his friends, but the stigma of pain and guilt his betrayal was leaving was beginning to swallow him whole, alive. It was like a tattoo that can never be burned out, even if the marked skin was flayed off. It was a truly unpleasant feeling that plagued him mercilessly and corrupted his being, spreading to his body and heart like poison.

It didn't matter how willing or eager he was to make amends.  
Yes, he was very enthusiastic about the matter of his atonement. Even if his friends had forgiven him and reassured him countless times that everything was okay now, the dragoon knew that he would never be able to live his shameless betrayal down. No matter how anyone will put it, it was because of his own weakness and jealousy that he became the lowest of the low, betraying and endangering his friends' lives with the tip of his very own spear. How could he be so weak? Why could he not have fought against his own darkness? The worst part was that the darkness that controlled him wasn't foreign. It was the jealousy he had of his best friend, the yearning to be someone competent beside Cecil Harvey, that pushed him into the pit of unforgivable evil.  
Had he not harbored this silly, childish jealousy, then he would not be plagued with headaches right now. Things would have been very different. There would be no dramatic, unnecessary heartbreaks.

Mysidia had welcomed them with open arms, letting the five legendary heroes lodge at the inn for free. The night was already very deep and dark when they arrived and majority of the townspeople and mages were already retiring. The elder informed them that there will be a celebration tomorrow morning after congratulating them and thanking the gods for their victory, and the fact that they were still alive.

The paladin was unbuckling the last of his shining white armor, heading for the town river in his tunic and pants. Despite the late hour and the fact that many townspeople were already sleeping, Edge was passionately spreading noise pollution as always. The ninja was splashing water hither and thither and flirting with Rydia (who was also in the water), as always. Typical garrulous Edge and his theatrics. When the summoner was fed up with his "rotten" tactics, and when she was satisfied with how germ-free her body was, she stepped out and headed for the nearby forest, safe from Edge, to rub some olive oil on her skin.

Kain followed his best friend to the town river and slowly started to undress as well. He knew Edge was at heart a truly good man with a fiery sense of justice, but he sank at the new fact that he was going to be the ninja's current person of interest now that the summoner had gone. Cecil would be a victim, too, of course, but that made things slightly better. But only slightly. Rosa also began to take a dip and secluded herself at the far end of the river for decency.

This river was truly a blessing. Ever since Kain and his friends had gone for the Lunar Subterrane they weren't graced with any baths. Not that they smelled, but fighting dragons and insane monsters who appear every minute was very tiring. Though Edge was still spreading noise pollution, the two knights were enjoying this. Especially approximately thirteen minutes later when Edge decided to step out and flirt with Rydia again.

Rosa was next to step out after anointing her hair with some Gysahl oil and a few sweet-smelling herbs. She decided to leave her two best friends alone.

The paladin shuffled closer to his best friend and leaned his head against the dragoon's broad chest. Kain, not always at ease with close proximity, froze for a second, but nevertheless allowed Cecil to retain his current position. The paladin let out a sigh, a sigh that expressed his immense satisfaction. When the dragoon tilted his head down, he saw ash eyelashes bat down heavily, as if they were carrying all the worries of the world. But as heavily as they fell, the relief was also unmistakable, as if Kain was a shoulder the paladin could lean on. It was true before, but maybe not anymore.

"Now, Cecil, don't you fall asleep on me," the dragoon teased with a frisky smirk, reminiscing of their childhood. Oh, how Cecil loved to do this to him that two specific acts were as plain as day: one, waking his best friend up with wrestles and tickles that could spell death, and two, carrying him to a comfortable bed. A graceful chuckle escaped the paladin's lips, his eyes remaining closed. "Hmm," the soporific paladin murmured.

_ckckckckckckkckckckckckck_

The two had already retired for the night, courtesy of the dragoon remembering to shoo his best friend out of the river soon enough. Because of tomorrow's celebration, the inns were unpleasantly crowded and the two best friends had to share a bed. The same went for Rosa and Rydia; only Edge had the luxury of a whole bed to himself. Not that anyone minded - sleeping on beds was a vast improvement, a priceless upgrade from cave floors or magma ground. Kain and Cecil had one room to themselves at least.

Kain was deeply beleaguered, his best friend could not deny that. Cecil knew Kain like the back of his hand, and besides, to the paladin, Kain was like an open book. But, open book or not, childhood friend or not, anyone who saw the dragoon would instantly know that things definitely aren't fine. The dragoon was pale and his movements weren't as graceful and smooth as usual. At least not as how it should be in the paladin's mind. Kain wasn't very coordinated recently either.

"Kain," the paladin began softly in a susurration.  
It seemed as if the dragoon didn't have any ears.  
"Deep in thought, huh?" the paladin mused to himself. "I know you think a lot, but you're not yourself."

"Kain," Cecil tried again, raising his voice a little. He glanced at his dragoon friend, who had his back against the meager room's wall, arms crossed against his broad, strong chest. It's been nearly ages since the paladin properly observed him without his draconian helmet and armor. And now that he had the opportunity, Cecil allowed himself to relish the glorious sight before him. Kain's long, blonde hair was loose, cascading over his broad shoulder, and to one who didn't know the dragoon well, the locks might have as well been a river of gold - a river of gold that even the most powerful, most beautiful, or richest god would take notice of. The dragoon was tall and lean, with strikingly long legs. Though his tunic and his pants rendered them hidden, Cecil did know Kain's skin and body as if it were his own. Flawless, toned, soft to the touch.

And the dragoon's face? Doll-like; grey-blue eyes were like priceless jewels that only heaven could rain down to the earth. It was truly a pity that they have temporarily lost their streak for now. But were it not for the guilt and remorse plaguing Kain, those eyes would have been dancing with life. Cold as ice, yet they were the keyholes that gave the beholder a look into the door of the dragoon's passionate, ardent soul. These were eyes that could see through anyone, yet hardly reveal anything about the dragoon.

When no reply was elicited, the paladin gently shook his best friend's broad shoulders. Some spark found their way to Kain's lifeless eyes, and after forever he said something. "Cecil..." this was the most vulnerable and confused he ever caught his best friend.

Kain nervously looked behind his shoulder, avoiding the concerned gaze of Cecil's cornflower-blue eyes that were melting him. He knew he was acting suspicious and that he was out of himself, but then, what could he say? Could he tell his best friend how he truly felt at this moment, when he could not even understand himself, when he could not completely assimilate and understand all this complicated strings of emotions that tangle themselves inside his heart, in knots that would take forever to undo? What could he say? "Cecil, I can't face you, I can't live my betrayal down? Let's stay apart for some time, until I calm down and regain my sanity?" No, that wouldn't do at all. He would rather hold his thoughts in for as long as he lives, rather than screw up, say the wrong thing, and break whatever remained of their relationship.

The paladin frowned after letting out a rather loud sigh. "Kain, if this is about your betrayal, then forget it. It's all in the past," the words escaped from his lips with a heated speed, patience and anger and agony twisted together in a combination Kain couldn't quite grasp. "What can you do now, anyway?" his cornflower-blue eyes narrowed and his voice had more than just a hint of distress, as if he was begging his friend to just forget all the past things and look forward for once. And yes, he was indeed begging Kain.

A wild, aggressive shuffling of feet broke through the tense silence. Kain stepped forward violently, separating his back from the wall, causing a stunned Cecil to jerk back ungracefully in response. Kain's voice was low, but dangerous - more atrocious than the dragoon had intended. "Look, Cecil. Having your and Rosa's forgiveness - I wouldn't ask for it so shamelessly, not in this life, but I guess that's not the question because you've both forgiven me long ago. But..."

"But _what_?" Cecil's voice was soft, pleading. "What is it, Kain?"

Kain shook his head violently.

"Even if everyone forgave me," the dragoon started again, this time slowly and gentler, "I wouldn't be able to live this down, Cess. I swear I wouldn't. Not in a million years." He tilted his head down, causing long blond locks to fall down and cover some parts of his chiseled face.

Cecil took some time to think. Yes, he forgave Kain. Kain's betrayal was a thing of the past, a thing that should be forgotten and a thing that should not be lingered on. Rosa and the others forgave Kain too. They all knew everything was Zemus' fault - it was just the jealousy and human darkness in the dragoon's heart that was twisted and made to spawn such a heartbreaking debacle. He understood Kain. And the paladin had his share of guilt too, now, didn't he? Wasn't he the source of the jealousy Kain harbored deep in his human heart? Yes, he definitely understood Kain.

After forever, Cecil's soft, gentle voice cut through the silence which grew to be suffocating for the two knights. "So, what is it...what is it that you want to do?"

Surprise was written all over the dragoon's face for a moment. A ghost of a gasp made its way out of his lips. For a split-second a familiar feeling of warmth and acceptance surrounded him, but the pleasantry was short-lived. When Kain's thoughts worked their way again, his face fell, realizing the only conclusion he could reach. "...I think I need to...stay away from everyone for some time, Cess."

Those were the very words he dreaded to say, so he just went on with it and said them as fast as he could. He wasn't surprised when the paladin was slightly shocked.

He felt a very nagging need to fill in the silence that could mean the end of everything, so he added a soft "I'm sorry."

It took some time for the color to come back to Cecil's face and for the composure to find their way again. Nevertheless, Cecil only gave a slight nod, a resolute one that expressed his approval. The white-haired paladin's eyes were closed, as if he was relaxing. A good sign. "I understand, Kain," his eyes shot open gently, "I understand. I really do. If it will give you peace of mind, if it will help you find yourself again, then I'm more than willing to..let you go."

Radiance. Peace. Warmth. Happiness.

"Please, Cecil, please know that I'm not doing this to separate myself from everybody. Don't hate me for choosing this path."

The dragoon's best friend smiled one of his insanely beatific, out-of-this-world smiles. Warmth seemed to radiate from cornflower-blue eyes to Kain's own grey-blue ones. "I could never hate you, Kain," Cecil added with a humorous grin, and to the dragoon, he appeared as if he was glowing, as if he was an angel that graced Earth with its celestial, divine presence. "Not in this life."

Then as if the dragoon was dreaming, Cecil took a gentle step forward, and in a flash, wrapped his arms around his best friend. Time seemed to stop and Kain thought the whole room was glowing. He froze for a moment, wondering whether this was reality or just another delusional dream of his.

The paladin tightened his grip, reassuring Kain that this was reality. "The only thing I regret is that I won't be able to give you any comfort...not the comfort and relief you are in so dire need of, my friend," Cecil breathed, a string of mixed emotions ebullient in his soft voice. If not for the surprise, Kain would have a smile of bliss plastered on his face now. Being the shorter of the two, Cecil looked up, startling Kain with a grin that was rather...lascivious. Such a grin on an absurdly angelic face? An extraneous blush crept its way to Kain's cheeks. The dragoon had definitely never seen his best friend like this. Not in this life.

Taking advantage of the dragoon's flummoxed state, Cecil hastily pressed his lips against Kain's, no regrets, no quandaries, no hesitation whatsoever. He just got on with it, moving his lips against the soft, mysterious-tasting ones. They were...intoxicating.

The dragoon didn't kiss him back, nor did he try to push him away. Cecil withdrew for a moment, analyzing the disarrayed mess he created of his invincible dragoon buddy. "Cecil," the dragoon began hesitantly, "I.." he tilted down his head, the words unable to voice their way out of his stunned lips. Exactly what did he want to say?

The feeling, the proximity, the intimacy - it was definitely not unwelcome. Oh, yes, how sought, how craved, how coveted this was. How both of them basked in the delight of this.

Kain took the next move, kissing his best friend back, hesitantly at first but the passion grew more evident and was expressed more openly after a few mere seconds. He did not know what he was doing, and why he was doing it, but it didn't matter right now.

Ebullient, the paladin pushed his tongue in, the submissive other satisfied to let his best friend explore his wet cavern. The two were out of breath soon, Cecil was the first to pull out, only to attack Kain's neck next. The paladin gently and affectionately sucked on the unbelievably soft flesh, prompting a placid moan out of his best friend's lips. Cecil moved up. When his skilled tongue touched Kain's earlobe, the dragoon's already-shaking legs gave in and he dropped to the floor with a thud, on his knees. Lips slightly parted, cheeks with a perfect, satisfying tint of red on his pale cheeks, his grey-blue eyes tainted with lust but glazed with passion all at the same time. The younger man, still standing, blissfully basked in the pleasure of taking in the heavenly sight before him.

Cecil knelt so he was eye-level with his dragoon friend. With a swift sweep of his arms, he held battle-honed shoulders, snapping Kain out of his reverie and reminding him to stand up. The dragoon did, but as soon as he was settled, his best friend gently pushed him to the bed only millimeters away from them.

Clothes colliding with the sheets, a soft, smooth sound was evoked. Cecil hovered above him, his lips on Kain's ear as he gently whispered, "Kain...if you want me to stop anytime, just tell-"

The dragoon cut him off, tilting his head upwards to capture Cecil's kiss-swollen lips for some seconds. It was the paladin who broke the contact, to smile at the body before him mischievously, taking the kiss as a sure sign. After another breath, the dragoon's lips were crushed against his own again, this time, even more passionately. The kiss soon became more heated, faster, to accommodate the growing need that was rising insanely by each second in the two knights.

A calloused, battle-worn hand found its way to lift Kain's tunic a few centimeters, to expose an already-pert nipple. Kain could feel his best friend smirk against it, sending a shiver down his spine, of pleasure, excitement, or fear, he couldn't make out.

The paladin proceeded to suck on it, producing a rather graceful, appreciative moan from his best friend. He continued until the nipple was soaked, all the while teasing the other nipple with his finger. The two knights felt a rising heat surge all throughout their bodies, and it wasn't long before Cecil took off his own tunic too.

Tired of waiting, the paladin hastily pulled down his best friend's pants, exposing the already-throbbing member. He poked and poked at the slit for a while, teasing the impatient dragoon. After what seemed like eons to Kain, his best friend took him in, between parted lips. An insane, blissful heat enveloped the dragoon, and when Cecil's mouth started to work its magic, Kain involuntarily let out a lustful moan, expressing his body's bliss.

Both knights grew harder and harder each passing second. Kain felt himself filling up, but before he could voice his desire Cecil laid the dragoon on his stomach. Facing Kain's back, the dragoon's river-long hair plastered to the sweat-matted skin, Cecil placed a firm grip on Kain's hips.

"This is going to hurt, Kain," he began, only to be given a sharp, demanding reply.

"I don't care." The dragoon's breathing was insanely quickening by each passing second. His best friend was no different.

Cecil, in spite of the heat and his own growing needs, pulled out a lascivious grin that split his ears - his best friend could not see, of course. The paladin's sanity long, long gone and his lust controlling him, his fingers quickly found Kain's hole. He carefully inserted one digit in a maddening, painstakingly slow pace, his ears drowning in the melodic prelude coming from Kain's lips, the dragoon clearly desperate for more. The paladin soon added another finger in, beginning with the scissoring motions to prepare his best friend. Moments later, half of his hand was inside Kain, to the knuckles.

Cecil's fingers probed inside of the dragoon, wanting to stretch him enough, wanting to lighten the unavoidable pain that would attack his best friend later. The paladin's fingers touched a bundle of nerves, and, grinning, he proceeded to rub against it gently, teasingly. Kain entered his lustful song's first chorus, breaking away from the prelude. The sounds pleased the paladin, his hardness soon becoming unbearably uncomfortable. Judging that the dragoon was ready, Cecil pushed in, the heat enveloping him, melting him. It was a spectacular, priceless feeling. Kain let out a pained gasp, tangled with pleasure and bliss and lust. Cecil's lips ran down the dragoon's spine to distract him.

The paladin began thrusting in and out, the heat and the unbelievable pleasure drowning out his senses and tearing off his sanity. Each thrust hit the sweet bundle of nerves with deadly accuracy, making the dragoon see stars. Pre-cum was leaking from Kain like a fountain - it seemed endless. Just a few more thrusts, Kain was delirious and his screams of agony-bliss were loud enough to be heard all throughout the whole town. But that wasn't on his mind at the moment.

A wanton moan expressing displeasure escaped the dragoon's lips when his best friend pulled out. The paladin turned Kain over so that he lay on his back, so that his lips were only centimeters away from his diamond-hard member. Without warning, he pushed it inside Kain's mouth, and the message was clear. The paladin gripped one of Kain's wrists with an iron force.

The dragoon began to suck, but Cecil couldn't hold out. He thrust in and out violently in a lust-dictated pace, fucking Kain's chiseled face. Kain let out sounds from the back of his throat, ignoring the gag reflex when Cecil deep-throated him. It was all right, Kain enjoyed this anyway.

Though the paladin was burning like fire with lust, at the back of his drowned-out senses, he could still take in the sight before him. The dragoon's eyes were blazing too, narrowed in ecstasy, a blush across his cheeks. The arousing sight was enough to make him lose what little control he had, spilling his seed deep down Kain's throat. Cecil's breathing slowed tenfold.

"Drink," he ordered his best friend sharply, not quite regaining his full sanity yet. "Every single drop."

Ecstatic, the dragoon complied with a muffled moan, sucking his best friend dry.

But he wasn't satisfied yet. Cecil emptied his fill, so what about him?

Kain's voice still shaky, he spouted out all the words he could let out for now. "Cecil...I.."

As if reading his best friend's not-so-sane mind, with a battle-worn hand he gracefully gripped Kain's leaking member. The paladin teased and teased it, rubbing it with his fingers hither and thither just to hear the other man scream in pained agony and desperation. For eons, the paladin continued his torment, savoring the song of lust, agony, and bliss his best friend was singing so passionately.

"_Just like that, Kain.._" the paladin breathed against his best friend's ear, "_let me hear..keep telling me about how much you're enjoying this._"

When Cecil decided he had heard enough, he rewarded the dragoon by taking his member inside his skilled mouth, and the paladin's magic was at work again. Kain spilled inside of him, his lust-driven song reaching its climax as he hit a golden note.

For minutes, the two knights just lay together, one on top of the other. The dragoon's back was beyond sore and he wasn't quite confident whether he would be able to walk "normally", but it didn't matter now. He was too enveloped in the heat and the fire that raged between him and his best friend, the light that they shed together. He knew that it wouldn't last, but it did so much as to assuage the pain from the past, and protect him from some of the agony he would be forced to face in the future. Kain knew he had to leave, one or one thousand nights with Cecil couldn't change that.

After a quick, chaste kiss Cecil instigated, the paladin was out like a light. Feeling his best friend's gentle breathing against his, the dragoon smirked and followed Cecil into the world of dreams and slumber.

_ckckckckckckckckckckckckc_

The next morning, Kain was the first to hop out of bed; his best friend looked completely spent and it appeared like the paladin would not be waking up until a few more hours. The dragoon had already cleaned himself up and was standing by the window, staring at the rising sun.

He uttered words from the bottom of his heart, and he was aware that Cecil could hear none of them - that was why he said them. When he felt better, and when he was satisfied, he double-checked his supplies before heading out of the inn. The dragoon left his best friend without saying a word, not because he couldn't bear to utter some, but because he knew he would return.

* * *

Aaaaaaaaall righty. You may be asking why Cecil is the seme and Kain is the uke...well, umm, err, we all know why..though I'm still a bit incredulous at the fact that Kain's bottom and not top. *sigh* Cecil is also very OOC here. Never, not even in my wildest dreams, have I imagined that he could be..umm, like how I wrote. Anyways...

Please don't be too hard on the reviews, this is my first time actually writing a serious bed scene. ~~~


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